My Five

In a futile effort to be rebellious and go against the time-honored tradition of Customer Service Workers Complaining About Their Customers, I am putting together a short list of things that customers can do to make the phone call to customer service or tech support more enjoyable for both parties. I feel this is a more constructive approach, and above all I hope that it will pay off better than the complaining did.

1. Don't be nasty. Seriously. I have power to make your life a lot easier and solve your problem. All you have to do to convince me to go that extra mile for you is make me like you and feel sorry for you. Being nasty only makes me want to be nasty back.

2. Don't be in the bathroom. Listening to you do "No. 2" (also known as "take a dump"), while I am trying to figure out what that second charge on your credit card is coming from, is not pleasant. It should be noted that this suggestion is aimed exclusively at male customers.

3. Don't be stupid. I have nothing against ignorance, or ignorant customers. It can be cured, and it does not interfere with learning in any way. Not to mention, the ones who don't know anything about computer hardware are more than willing to take my advice or follow my instructions. With the stupid ones, I am lucky if they understand the instructions.

4. Listen to me. I need to give you this information, because it's important. If you install memory backwards it will shorten out and fry your motherboard. I don't want that to happen to it, mainly because when it does you will call back and scream that it was our fault, and that we owe you a motherboard. I'd hate to be the one getting that call.

5. Have your stuff ready. If you call to ask about an order, have the order receipt, or the confirmation email handy to reference. If you want to return or exchange a part, have it there, for reference. If you want to ask about what will work best in your computer, be at your computer, for reference.

Common sense and courtesy, all of it. It's easy, really. Give it a try!